My story – part 1 – early days

Many times I feel it is difficult to deal with what I have seen and continue to see with this walk I have been on and I pray to our ABBA [FATHER] in Heaven for whatever I need, or call out to the MESSIAH/CHRIST and HIS NAME YHWH/YAH for help, and ask for HIS LIVING WATER [the HOLY SPIRIT]. Because of my choice of the Narrow Way and Door and giving my life for the MESSIAH’S work, I have been in an intense “on the job training program” which has been humbling and full of many sorrows, suffering, much learning, and blessings, too. I feel I have been sifted and am being proved and I believe I have even grieved and angered FATHER, SON, and HOLY SPIRIT because of poor choices, but I believe ELOHIM loves me enough to keep working on me until I finally learn what I need to! I want to give my KING a perfect gift because of all HE, the MESSIAH, went through for me! HE is ELOHIM’S Gift [John – Yochanan – 4: 10] to all who believe in HIM! I want to love and worship HIM only in Truth for who HE is, not what I want HIM to be or who others think HE is. This goes for HIS ABBA and the HOLY SPIRIT, too.

I know ELOHIM loves me because HE disciplines and chastens those HE loves. I asked HIM to do whatever HE needed to do to break and remake me so that I love, know, and worship HIM only in truth. Am trying to get rid of old ways and the world’s influence and learn to love HIS Way and only listen to HIS Voice. I believe many get angry, curse, and even turn their backs to HIM because of things they do not understand, so I chose to “set my heart” on loving HIM no matter what and boy has the enemy tried to get me to go back on that! Be careful what you say and what you ask for because you might not understand what will happen to you! You might think you are strong and instead you will find out just how weak you are like Peter did when he heard the cock crow the third time he denied CHRIST! I love ELOHIM dearly for loving me enough to stand by me when I had my back turned to HIM for most of my life, even though I should not have, because I was raised a Christian but did not know and did not understand and ended up worshiping HIS enemy through New Age, false ways.

I have been on a very fast paced course of study with ELOHIM since I turned back to HIM August 2010, so much has happened in a brief time, and am trying to keep up with all the information HE is showing me. This is why I repeat myself so frequently about telling everyone to ask for the truth. What I have been shown is that the depth of untruth, of deception in our lives is staggering. I believe many people think everything or many things are good and they do not realize the darkness, the sin, which they are immersed in. Yochanan [John] 12:35-36, “‘Yeshua [JESUS] said to them, “The light will be with you only a little while longer. Walk while you have the light, or the dark will overtake you; he who walks in the dark doesn’t know where he is going. While you have the light, put your trust in the light, so that you may become people of light.”…”‘

These days you have people singing songs from Phantom of the Opera [look at the lyrics from Music of the Night, it is about a possession] and dreaming about being people of the night [instead of the light] and loving fables not reality: vampires [undead – no such thing, there is only life or death], werewolves [HE made people and animals, HE did not make one that turns into the other], Harry Potter [witchcraft/sorcery/alchemy – these are wickedness and through them you lose admittance to the HOLY CITY], fairies/witches/elves/warlocks/wizards/ghosts [no such thing as any of them being good, they are only evil or wicked], skulls/bones/skeletons [these are death not life]. Many of ELOHIM’s people love these things and are being seduced and deceived [I know, I was one of them].

I believe many people do not understand that ELOHIM is light, life, truth, good  and HIS enemy is darkness, death, lies, and evil. Using these as guidelines, who is the GOD/god that you are worshiping? The sickness surrounding us is incredible and most people, I believe unfortunately, do not have a clue. I know I only keep going on because of ELOHIM, HE gives me light when I feel the darkness surrounding me and the strength to move forward again when all I want to do is bury my head in the sand or HIS Arms and feel it would be easier to be dust then to go on. Our ABBA in Heaven knows the timing of all and everything that we need, Mattityahu [Matthew] 6:7-8, and what we need most which is HIM, HIS SON, HIS SET-APART [HOLY] SPIRIT.

My story begins with being raised Christian but I didn’t have the love of ELOHIM instilled in me early on. Unfortunately there was a lot of hurt, lack of love, harshness, bigotry, anti-semitism, bitterness, unforgiveness, and darkness in my home and with relatives and in the religious schools I went to. I was mainly home schooled, but for the wrong reasons, and when I did go to school I drove myself to get straight A’s. My parents were good people and meant well, but they were caught up in wounds that never healed and family patterns of dysfunction and did not realize the effect these things had on my brother and I. I became an introvert and was a perfectionist and felt many of the problems around me were either my fault or my responsibility. I was ill frequently and didn’t have many children around to play with. I felt people around me took from me instead of gave to me, they didn’t seem to think about me or my needs, so I felt very alone.

When I got older I started having a war between GOOD and evil going on in me between needing others and, if I didn’t get back what I felt I deserved, looking out for myself. When I felt used I started feeling the need to “take care of things my way” to make-up for the “wrong” I suffered and I felt vindicated when “justice” was done [read Romans 12:19] either to those who hurt me or even to innocent people around me who trusted me. I felt a bit like Robin Hood, taking from those who had things and giving to me or being a manipulative, pushy salesperson getting my way. I liked to solve things and see what I could get away with sometimes which my love of mysteries helped in giving me ideas of how to cover things up or take advantage. I was getting on a big slippery slope going the wrong way without realizing it.

Thankfully my right-ruling side was bigger than the other side and I did not do that many big hurtful things, thank our FATHER in Heaven, so when I turned back to ELOHIM the right way, HE allowed me many opportunities to make up for past wrongs, to forgive what had been done to me, and for others to forgive me what I did to them and to make restitution. I had such a heart to do right, HE even put me in touch with people who I had not seen in years and had moved to another state! I had individuals and businesses telling me they had never heard of someone contacting another and confessing wrongdoing to them to make right. I was blessed how through ELOHIM, I was able to take the wrong I had done and use it for a testimony to show what accepting CHRIST into my life had done for me!

I didn’t believe some of the Bible literally even when I was a kid, and while I believed in ELOHIM and the MESSIAH [CHRIST] THEY were names in a book to me – not real or alive. Today, ELOHIM is real to me and it was worth everything I went through to find HIM the way I know HIM now, all Three of HIM. Star Trek was my role model growing up, not the Bible and not my parents, and I prided myself on being like Spock – trying not to feel emotions because I hurt. While there are good values in Star Trek there are also a lot of things that lead people away from Scripture and Truth.

I lost myself in books and tv which eased the pain of loneliness. I read primarily about other people’s lives, mysteries, right winning over wrong, stories involving another place or time, and got more and more into fantasy/science fiction/pagan history. I grew up with Disney and looked on objects as animated or having life, which later turned into animism. ALL of these things ended up being a path for me, out of ELOHIM’S Arms and into HIS enemies’ arms. HIS Word is there to protect us from what we do not see, know, or understand. Parents, you have NO IDEA what you are letting happen to your children and yourselves by loving all of these things that books, TV, movies, Disney or other media are teaching us. It is deceptive, you think there is nothing harmful but it starts with something small and ends with bringing you further and further from ELOHIM and HIS Way until you have opened yourself up to and are immersed in the ways of HIS enemy. HIS enemy knows this and is filling our world full of eye candy and feel good things. How we are to live by Scripture is healthy, nutritious, and good for us but we are children who want junk food and candy and we are hurting ourselves and even dying from our choices.

Being half Italian, food was a pacifier for me [it still can be and am still working on that area] and I overate and was overweight most of my life. I found out that I allowed something to comfort me instead of the SET-APART [HOLY] SPIRIT. Fasting has helped me greatly with gaining discipline and overcoming the enemy. Trust me, food doesn’t solve anything and just becomes an idol for us to worship and we end up hurting our bodies which are the temple of the SET-APART [HOLY] SPIRIT [see this link for more information ].

Another problem developed because my parents didn’t take the time to talk to me about my body and sexuality because they were uncomfortable with the subject and they mainly handed me books to read. When you are on your own and don’t have a loving role model who teaches you what is of ELOHIM and what is not, and if you have little around you that feels good, it is easy to get led astray by sex. When I get into the part of my story about how ELOHIM showed me the truth, I will tell how HE made it very clear that sex outside of what HIS Word commands [and that includes masturbation] is not something HE wants us to do – I gave up all to HIM that was sin of the flesh. We should all be virgins when we marry asking our FATHER in Heaven who we should marry! We also should not dress to provoke lust [lust is the same as adultery per the MESSIAH], see Mattityahu [Matthew] 5:27-28.

I got a G.E.D. when I was 17 and started working for a family Doctor who professed the Bible but shot up painkillers, which I found out one day when I walked in on him. What I know now, that I wish I had known then, is that many if not all of us are incomplete in some or a lot of ways and in pain and searching for something to fill the emptiness in us. We need to learn to fill our lives with ELOHIM, and HIS Love, and HIS Way. While it is not easy to uproot the addictions of the world out of us, and it can be quite painful at times, through ELOHIM and with time we can build-up the strength we need to battle HIS enemy and overcome!

There is a battle going on between ELOHIM and HIS enemies over who fills the emptiness in us. We do not need things or money or sex or drugs or food or alcohol or books or Hollywood or Disney or whatever to escape who we are or our “dull” lives. Whatever the prince of this world tempts us with or the harlot who is wickedness glamorizes for us and makes us feel that we can’t live without, all of it is only lies and deception. We only need ELOHIM! HE is what we are missing in our lives!

HE has been separated from HIS creation most of history because of us listening to HIS enemies and not HIM! HE has loved us, wanted to destroy us, taken us back, wanted to destroy us again, taken us back, repeat, repeat, with more in between! Remember, the world is like sugar, sweet to the taste but in reality it is slowly killing us. The prince of this world [satan] wants us dead but ELOHIM wants us to live and to be close to HIM forever! HE loves us enough to have suffered so much including being: rejected, provoked to anger and wrath and jealousy, humiliated, afflicted, hurt enough to cry, grieved, HIS SON being spit on and scourged and tortured and dying a physical death for us when HE is an IMMORTAL BEING! That is TRUE LOVE!!!

One day I know everything will be different and the LIGHT will be back in the world and we will have a renewed heaven and a renewed earth and we will be with ELOHIM forever! Evil and wickedness and all that is not of ELOHIM will be gone, but until that time there is a battle going on and we are choosing sides every day, inch by inch, unknowingly in a lot of cases because it is happening through our thoughts and actions and words. Pray and ask for only the TRUTH in your life and to have your eyes, ears, heart, mind, and soul [which is your whole being] opened to the TRUTH and to be teachable!

If you do not pray, ask out loud for only the TRUTH just in case your beliefs are wrong and you might be in for a bad surprise after you die and it is too late! When you are shown something that you have no doubt is the TRUTH, be thankful and pray for the strength to handle what you are being shown, so that you will turn to it! Yochanan 3:19-21, “‘Now this is the judgement: the light has come into the world, but people loved the darkness rather than the light. Why? Because their actions were wicked. For everyone who does evil things hates the light and avoids it, so that his actions won’t be exposed. But everyone who does what is true comes to the light, so that all may see that his actions are accomplished through God.”‘ AMEN!!!

More in Part 2…


Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *